Oh god, but I am not. I have to realize that I am not.
I want so much more from this. Or I want so much less.

I can not do this to myself. I don't know why I thought
that I could. This ball of god knows what sitting heavy,
heavy, heavy in my stomach.

This could make me sick or make me the happiest I've
been in a long time. I guess that's why I'm trying. But,
the outcome ceases to be in my hands.
I did my part in this.
Your play.